Relatable inner thoughts



It was eight in the morning; with my body snug and stationary,  my mind deep in the unconscious world fancying the view of the exquisite landscape, totally nonchalant, merry and unaware of the realities of the world. By and by, I got alert a bit late from usual but expectedly, the noise was irksome but then it was time to leave the fairyland. 

As I took off my nighty and flung on the already messed up and chaotic pile of clothes, I felt the air nauseatic and isolated as if only I existed. I felt myself the biggest criminal of all time to be late at funeral. Yeah! It’s something I am least relishing to write about. I miss my Bubby. I am gonna miss his panting for my presence. 

It took forever for me to process the words ‘He is dead’. It still feels illusory, something even my demons would not dare to think about. My planning of all those frolicsome events to adore together huh-all gone. My body is still sore from last night’s ailment but at least my heart was healthy-life once again took my peace, as I always say, it never pities me…..

Lilies, all over alley,

Spreading gloom.

Stuck in sludge; several failed strives, 

This ache, million times less.

The beats in me, moaning.

Thousands passed, as if blind.

On my own, won three steps.

Took forever but thrived.

White into red gown,

Patches looked alluring to them.

Fell, scarcely touching it,

Heard his sob from inside the box.

‘Only if’, he said,

‘Only if’, I replied. 


Letting Go

Tuesday twilight; with a look at the yet starless sky, my view started obfuscating gradually and then all at once, blackened. I tried to betray my mind and thought for a millisecond if the fog season has arrived and rubbed the window but my struggle failed terribly. Moments later I noticed droplets falling one by one on the sill just then I realised how overwhelmed I was with the (no matter how much I try, my brain can’t dodge) thoughts which nauseatingly produced lump in my throat. I frequently asked myself since I opened my already awake but fakely closed eyes, ‘Do you want this?’ Without processing the words my heart replied, ‘Do.Not.Listen.To.Me.Or.I.Will.Destroy.You!’ So as usual I was left alone by the assistance of my (oh so filled with unpalatable but necessary decisions of my life) brain. It, without any second thought said, ‘Yes gal! Once in life choose yourself-ummm I am sorry that I have to lie to you but please consider what I said rather than You.Dont.Have.Any.Other.Choice.You.Are.Once.Again.Left.Alone fact’.

So yes! Here I am after all, after everything. Life doesn’t pity you, it never pities me. It continues even if I am half alive or not alive at all. Maybe because its not only me-there are many out there blithe and beaming and of course world doesn’t rely on my living. It will continue without my approval. I have embraced the hurting again though I believe it will be healed one day no matter if the mark is permanent. Today, I have decided to let go, to wrap up myself in the (always organized, persuaded and waiting for myself) shell. I am not sure I will love it but it absolutely will rest my heart in peace. Goodbye yesterday…


So today, with a sip of deliciously made coffee, I got hit so bad I forgot why, where or if really do I exist. The world around me swirled and somehow faded and moments later, ended. Well, now I am gonna sum up about what exactly happened.

Last year, I remember how I was hollow from inside, how it used to take ages to inhale some temporary fresh air hardly enough to touch a bronchiole of my shrinked lung. I remember how my legs deceived me, refused to lift me and turned out to be whores even Cleopatra would be ashamed of. I went through time when worth craving edibles once desiring my stomach, hated me like fire hates water.

Huh! How much i missed my today, how much I panted for this light! I often miserably question and choked a hundredth time while writing how could someone just blur out your surroundings for their pleasure for you to think no one else exists. Yeah! Ironically I abandoned my dear ones-my only people. I could see no one but a black knight.

Later, with passage of time, I believe I aged more than Jeanne Calment in less than 4 months. I began to see what I eradicated from my dictionary and felt myself strong enough for ironman to envy me. Haha yes! And now my life is lit with the sun in my heart which never sets once it has emerged up higher in my world.

Since then till now I feel resilience running like blood in my once lacerated veins. I consider myself preferable to every fucking shit I went through. No! I wasn’t me, it was my guider and yeah I am proud of her, grateful for what she did. I thank her every second of my once neglected life and I will remember her till death calls my name..

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